house of cards. the last day of july.

and I go home, where every decision for the day becomes questioned and I begin to second guess myself. i’ve been taught, that my decisions are never correct, so I’ve gotten to the point where I console everyone until my decision has been made for me so I don’t have to. and from this consultation, stipulations the reason why that I no longer trust my opinion and crave approval so desperately. 

cause when I’m out of these four walls yet still within my mental four walls, my mind is somewhat clear and concise. i perfectly understand my decisions, but from the outside looking in, it looks as if i’m a silly little girl. and it’s true, I’m a fickle silly little girl. I know lol.

but it’s just a little frustrating to try to stand on a decision when all the voices plucking against the house. Almost like a house of cards. I attempt to find a solution to stack those cards up and make them work, hoping that they’ll stand, only to find that the slightest touch of wind blows the house to the ground. repeat. 

with love. 

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morning comes around. july the thirtieth.

I feel as if things are slowly coming around for me. and it’s a weird thing because I didn’t know, expect or plan for any of it. and not only that, it took me coming back to the corner that I was first so desperately attempting to run from only to find that maybe I’m needed here and was placed here for a reason. 

In it’s weird sense, this form of content is something hard to find. It repetitively spikes along the line of happiness because I’ve never had things fall so smoothly in place before as it has now. cause things that I’ve searched for all my life have just been given to me so very easily. maybe because i’m walking in ordered or ordained steps that have been placed before me for the first time in a really long time.

but from the outside looking in, this line is almost like walking on tight rope and the fall is almost not worth the walk. i’ve learned, it’s totally worth the fall.

these have become so short and sweet. 

with love. 

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live on the edge
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july twenty eighth.

When I first somewhat and begrudgingly decided to stay home because my school wasn’t the best fit for me, I never knew how much stress going back home could be. I tasted a little bit of freedom and loved that there wasn’t any one to answer to. Silly little me thinking that when I came home that would be a thing.

Instead I get bombarded with stress and frustration that reminded me of why I left in the first place.

And my first instinct at this moment is to pick a spot on the map and run. just runaway and not look back.

But now there are future plans and goals being expressed. All reasonable and all strong possibilities that are conflicting with my nature of dealing with problems by not actually dealing with them. And this innate behavior is deciding it what’s to show up.

it’s deciding it’s time for another change. Not later, but right now. I see it coming, not too far in the distance.

with love. 

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van0v:

good vibes ☀
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