I’m not the person to lay someone out. granted, I have grabbed at someone and have purposely beat them down for good cause, but my first weapon of choice is never my fist. I don’t feel as if they are very helpful in a situation. I’m more of a wordy girl. Kill ‘em with my words. Say something completely brave and bold and just knock them completely out of the water.
and yet, I’ve never felt the need to completely eviscerate someone on here. nor will I ever. I feel everything on here is way to pure to annihilate with dirty words and complaints about a situation well beyond me, especially in a situation that I could never compete with.
tumblr is the only whole chunk of my heart that I have left, and I don’t want to pollute it with belittling words that require so much effort and care when I literally have no care in the world left. because indifference is the only way to get anything accomplished. cause right after you stab someone in the heart and rip them into a zillion pieces, come at them with an indifferent tone.
and that’s how you get away with murder. can’t trust a coldblooded woman.
that’s been happening a lot lately. I’m laughing at things that aren’t remotely funny. or suppose to be funny.
there’s a strange saying that couples say that sound extremely mushy and from the outside looking in, it really it.
" I love you."
"I love you more."
and then you just want to put a revolver to your own head and pull the trigger in order to avoid the insanity. because once it gets started, it can continue on and go over and over without interruption.
but from the inside, it’s a sacrificial statement. I love you more meaning simply that I love you more than you love me, but that the love covers a span and multitude of sacrifices. and it is that type of love that I’ve learned is the only real one that exist.
cause before, the idea of coexisting and just living amongst each other in a cohabiting sort of way. and that doesn’t exist. cause when you say “I love you more” you have to be willing to sacrifice something for a love.
cause when I say “I love you more.” It’s cause I actually do. I’ve sacrificed every piece of me and what I thought was me for you. I’ve dropped things along the way. things that I thought was important and others that have been slung in the dirt. and then I go onto the battlefield and wear that dirt and grime like proud battle scars. only to wake up and do it all again.
cause that’s what those words actually mean. I love you more.
they mean picking the dirt from beneath the finger tips, grabbing the old double barrel shotgun and actually taking a step onto the battlefield.
so apparently I went from a respectable girl to having mono, adulterous, rebellious, lying girl whom God is super angry at, striking my singing away, and I’m going to hell. just wanted to make sure that I had the entire jist of that. along with that, I’m also playing games as if everyone doesn’t know exactly where I stand. yep I think that’s it.
and I’m angry with God. Not in the least bit. I have no reason to be. I have no reason to curse his name or hate him because it’s not Him to be angry with. nor am I angry with my family for the things that they say. Cause they’re all entitled to those opinions and have the right to share those opinions with me.
so really, i’m not angry at all. and I have no reason to be. i’m just tired and tired of being tired. lol.
I took up my cross, and i’m carrying it on.