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monday 07.21. 2014

I swear, I take what feels like a step in the right direction, to only find that i’m what feels like a thousand steps behind. 

I’ve been making some really stupid decisions lately. Most of them are fundamentals that everyone knows how to respond to. I mean some very basic rules that everyone has somewhat instilled in them. and I’ve just been destroying every rule that I’ve created for myself in the name of love, which is another idiotic decision. 

and I feel as if the consequences of those decisions are slowly coming around to bite me. Cause these decisions have been somewhat irrational and I’ve been warned against them multiple times with multiple people and each time I’ve decided against what could have been decent advice.

I just don’t really want to remember today, but it’s at the foreground of my mind creating a permanent fixture for it to reside it. 

with love. 

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I love when reality leaks into fantasy. july 20th.

Because it’s such a wonderful reminder that your world isn’t real. Your world has been handcrafted to fit a void that needs to be filled.

I’m sitting in a hospital in some sort of branch of reality, one that has been chosen for me, to be with my brother. Now, in all honesty, he doesn’t need me to be here nor do I wanna be here. And I keep being reminded that “he’s only eleven”. Clearly, he and had very different parents at age 11.

Cause I know for a fact that my parents wouldn’t have responded in this manner towards me.

But that’s not completely the point. The point is that this event leaked into a world I actually want to be apart of. I’m not the supportive type; I’m the person that give pats during hugs because I don’t know what to actually do. It reminded me why I left Florida in the first place, to be rid of my “all american family”.

And I understand that this should be a priority, but it’s not cause I know he’s gonna be fine.

And I don’t know if I’m fine. And I can’t help someone if I’m not good.

And I sound so very spoiled.

with love.

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